portrait of the blogger as a crazy person
hey gang! well, welcome back to my favorite mistakes. i realize its been months since ive last updated.. but considering i moved to a new city/state/job adn whathaveyou, i thought i would try not being a nuerotic mess.
e for effort on that one!
nope kiddos, the reason ive returned (and not so triumphantly as it were) is that the same psuedo-therapuetic reasons for opening this little window into my increasingly ridiculous psyche have reared there ugly heads and culligan is forced to seek a more cost-effective psychiatric outlet. so, without further adeiu, my new life as a crazy person:
since ive moved to new york, i thought i would take a more proactive approach to dating. (more proactive than my previous method of standing around and thinking passive aggressive things about anyone and everyone who i found attractive but who wasn't at that very moment beating a path to my side.) so i decided, why not make my new coworkers work for me instead of with me and immediately began accepting their invitations to be set up.
has anyone out there ever induldged one of their friends in a sight unseen fix-up? well, let me tell you - most people, mostly *hetero people ::clears throat::, seem to think that i would be just perfect for their best friend. i can almost see their inner monologues working it out in front of me "he's gay. and, whaddayaknow, you're gay.. HEY! you guys should DATE!" because in the heavily-medicated alternate universe that is manhattan, this passes for logic and reasoning. but after an intense screening process, i took my cutey-patootie coworker's pal who we shall henceforth refer to as "Mr. D" into consideration. i even went so far as to agree to meet him in a non-threatening group environment. (baby steps folks, baby steps.)
so i meet Mr. D and he ends up being quite a guy. charming, and handsome, if not just a little insey bit queenier than i usually like 'em. but all in all, a pretty damn good guy. so we chat and dance a little and agree to meet up for a proper date later in the week. (bare with me people, i have a point, i promise!) so we go out on a date - and keep in mind i have warned this guy that since ive just moved to the city, i have NO MONEY. and we're talking nada. because bitches got bills to pay, okray?) - but we end up going to a very expensive (and im talking the $$$$ symbol expensive.) for a date. his choice. so while it was a pleasant date and i managed to hide the fact that i was mentally adding up all the things in my life i would have to forgoe to pay for this meal and we both had a very nice time. and maybe im a little picky, but a very nice time does not fireworks make. so that coupled with the fact that my new job has kept me pretty much out of touch with the world outside my office, i didn't make a huge effort to call Mr. D back for a second date.
so fast forward 3 weeks. i am overworked, undersexed, and generally feeling very homesick/lonely. so i, in a moment of extreme weakness, take my friend M.B's advice and join an online dating site. (desperation aint pretty folks - and it pretty much lives online.) so i end up getting a few messages - some hello's a couple of your cute's and even a "how big is your dick" but despite being presented with all of THAT, i was skeptical. and after a few very painful nights of spending my time adrift in a veritable sea of self-pity, i hit pay-dirt.
two men, both alike in diginity, seemed interested in me. one, an adorable guy i met through friendster and the other, a very hot soccer player i met through my online dating site. so this past weekend, i had a date with mr. adorable on friday and hottie soccer player on saturday. the "date" with mr. adorable wasn't really though, more like a meet and greet plus one roommate (his, not mine. in my apt, much like in love, i find myself alone). considering though that he had kept me up the thre previous nights in a row till all hours chatting and coquettishly flirting, i will continue to call it a date. so the night flys by, and 3 beers and what feels like no time at all we decide to head home. i am of course unbelievably smitten becaue, well, he is mr. adorable. so smitten in fact that i rush home and immediately log online so that we can continue the evening. he however, has not made this his plan and i chalk it up to him not wanting to let me know how much he wants me. touche mr. adorable, touche.
so the next night, before i leave for my date with hottie soccer player, i send him a little e-note telling him that i had a lot of fun and that we should do it again, as is my way. keeping in mind that i am so smitten that date numero two is really not the normal nerve-racking event that anything even remotely resembling a date is for me, i am sure ill have a pleasant time. because friends, i am an amazing date - even if i am crazy, i make up for it in surprisingly engaging conversation.
so night goes fine, we meet (not as hottie as his online pictures.. but its fine, im nutzo for mr. adorable anyhow.) and we have a good night. couple of beers, some late night pizza, and home we go. seperately of course, i don't invite strange men back to my apartment. im just not that kind of girl.
so i come home to find a response to my e-note: one that is not only positive, but reciprical and i vow to marry mr. adorable and have his chinese babies. (and by have, i mean, adopt. and by chinese, i mean, whatever nationality we can get our hands on.)
except. its been almost 24 hours, and i still haven't heard anything from him. and because i am CRAZY i am starting to have a complete and utter nervous breakdown about it. because i am certain that while a normal person would just go about their day and make a note to chat later, this lunatic formerly known as culligan has the following three thoughts:
1) mr. adorable no longer likes me. i did something or said something that turned him off on our date and he is playing it cool until i get the hint.
2) mr. adorable doesn't hate me, but doesn't find me attractive and wants to just be friends but doesn't know how to let me down easy so he's avoiding me online.
3) mr. adorable no longer likes me and finds me unattractive. in which case i will be forced to open up a vein.
and while i just KNOW that this is karma coming back to kick me in the crotch for not calling Mr. D back, i can't help but feel bad for myself. why you ask? because i am CRAZY. and only a Crazy McLunatic would have these sorts of feelings after not chatting for one weekend. especially because i know that mr. adorable works like mad on the weekends and probably is just too busy/tired to have a conversation.
or maybe he's just not into me.
ARGHGHHGH! whydoidothistomyself?! this is why crazy people aren't allowed to date.
e for effort on that one!
nope kiddos, the reason ive returned (and not so triumphantly as it were) is that the same psuedo-therapuetic reasons for opening this little window into my increasingly ridiculous psyche have reared there ugly heads and culligan is forced to seek a more cost-effective psychiatric outlet. so, without further adeiu, my new life as a crazy person:
since ive moved to new york, i thought i would take a more proactive approach to dating. (more proactive than my previous method of standing around and thinking passive aggressive things about anyone and everyone who i found attractive but who wasn't at that very moment beating a path to my side.) so i decided, why not make my new coworkers work for me instead of with me and immediately began accepting their invitations to be set up.
has anyone out there ever induldged one of their friends in a sight unseen fix-up? well, let me tell you - most people, mostly *hetero people ::clears throat::, seem to think that i would be just perfect for their best friend. i can almost see their inner monologues working it out in front of me "he's gay. and, whaddayaknow, you're gay.. HEY! you guys should DATE!" because in the heavily-medicated alternate universe that is manhattan, this passes for logic and reasoning. but after an intense screening process, i took my cutey-patootie coworker's pal who we shall henceforth refer to as "Mr. D" into consideration. i even went so far as to agree to meet him in a non-threatening group environment. (baby steps folks, baby steps.)
so i meet Mr. D and he ends up being quite a guy. charming, and handsome, if not just a little insey bit queenier than i usually like 'em. but all in all, a pretty damn good guy. so we chat and dance a little and agree to meet up for a proper date later in the week. (bare with me people, i have a point, i promise!) so we go out on a date - and keep in mind i have warned this guy that since ive just moved to the city, i have NO MONEY. and we're talking nada. because bitches got bills to pay, okray?) - but we end up going to a very expensive (and im talking the $$$$ symbol expensive.) for a date. his choice. so while it was a pleasant date and i managed to hide the fact that i was mentally adding up all the things in my life i would have to forgoe to pay for this meal and we both had a very nice time. and maybe im a little picky, but a very nice time does not fireworks make. so that coupled with the fact that my new job has kept me pretty much out of touch with the world outside my office, i didn't make a huge effort to call Mr. D back for a second date.
so fast forward 3 weeks. i am overworked, undersexed, and generally feeling very homesick/lonely. so i, in a moment of extreme weakness, take my friend M.B's advice and join an online dating site. (desperation aint pretty folks - and it pretty much lives online.) so i end up getting a few messages - some hello's a couple of your cute's and even a "how big is your dick" but despite being presented with all of THAT, i was skeptical. and after a few very painful nights of spending my time adrift in a veritable sea of self-pity, i hit pay-dirt.
two men, both alike in diginity, seemed interested in me. one, an adorable guy i met through friendster and the other, a very hot soccer player i met through my online dating site. so this past weekend, i had a date with mr. adorable on friday and hottie soccer player on saturday. the "date" with mr. adorable wasn't really though, more like a meet and greet plus one roommate (his, not mine. in my apt, much like in love, i find myself alone). considering though that he had kept me up the thre previous nights in a row till all hours chatting and coquettishly flirting, i will continue to call it a date. so the night flys by, and 3 beers and what feels like no time at all we decide to head home. i am of course unbelievably smitten becaue, well, he is mr. adorable. so smitten in fact that i rush home and immediately log online so that we can continue the evening. he however, has not made this his plan and i chalk it up to him not wanting to let me know how much he wants me. touche mr. adorable, touche.
so the next night, before i leave for my date with hottie soccer player, i send him a little e-note telling him that i had a lot of fun and that we should do it again, as is my way. keeping in mind that i am so smitten that date numero two is really not the normal nerve-racking event that anything even remotely resembling a date is for me, i am sure ill have a pleasant time. because friends, i am an amazing date - even if i am crazy, i make up for it in surprisingly engaging conversation.
so night goes fine, we meet (not as hottie as his online pictures.. but its fine, im nutzo for mr. adorable anyhow.) and we have a good night. couple of beers, some late night pizza, and home we go. seperately of course, i don't invite strange men back to my apartment. im just not that kind of girl.
so i come home to find a response to my e-note: one that is not only positive, but reciprical and i vow to marry mr. adorable and have his chinese babies. (and by have, i mean, adopt. and by chinese, i mean, whatever nationality we can get our hands on.)
except. its been almost 24 hours, and i still haven't heard anything from him. and because i am CRAZY i am starting to have a complete and utter nervous breakdown about it. because i am certain that while a normal person would just go about their day and make a note to chat later, this lunatic formerly known as culligan has the following three thoughts:
1) mr. adorable no longer likes me. i did something or said something that turned him off on our date and he is playing it cool until i get the hint.
2) mr. adorable doesn't hate me, but doesn't find me attractive and wants to just be friends but doesn't know how to let me down easy so he's avoiding me online.
3) mr. adorable no longer likes me and finds me unattractive. in which case i will be forced to open up a vein.
and while i just KNOW that this is karma coming back to kick me in the crotch for not calling Mr. D back, i can't help but feel bad for myself. why you ask? because i am CRAZY. and only a Crazy McLunatic would have these sorts of feelings after not chatting for one weekend. especially because i know that mr. adorable works like mad on the weekends and probably is just too busy/tired to have a conversation.
or maybe he's just not into me.
ARGHGHHGH! whydoidothistomyself?! this is why crazy people aren't allowed to date.
posted by culligan at 1:13 AM
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