in front of total strangers won't you kiss me? flowers for no reason, but you miss me.

so this weekend i got a big wake up call.

i went to austin to attend this big austin advertising awards show and won some things and was all excited. and since ive been living so so far away from civilization and was feeling slightly bad about myself in general, i broke down and made out with someone who i don't really find attractive at all. AT ALL.

it was awful. i felt even more not ok about myself afterwards - i didn't really feel guilty so much as just sad and kind of ashamed that i would do something with someone just to make myself feel better. shame is not a good feeling.

(i should probably furhter explain that the person in question was a friend and an old co-worker. so the possiblity for weirdness coupled with shame is great. and the reason i was feeling bad about myself is that i decided that i would see the cellist, even though since i moved, we've both been kind of distant. and he hadn't made any real attempt to make that visit happen for the better part of the weekend.)

so woe is me, i was feeling kind of crappy and packed up the very last of my belongings that my old roommate had been so kind as to shelter, but was getting dangerously close to chucking when my phone rang. it was the cellist. so i reconciled myself to go and pick up some dinner and have a quick visit with him before i took off for good. and i am so glad i did.

i forgot how much i liked being with him - we didn't even have to talk that much, just kind of sitting together, doing all that mushy holding of the hands, or just kind of leaning on one another. it felt so nice. it felt like home. and i feel silly saying that about someone i only dated for a short amount of time, but it really just felt right. and when he kissed me (keep in mind people, this is NOT why i visited him, but it was a nice surprise) it felt passionate, and with a kind of gentle eagerness about it. it was so nice and exactly what i needed. so even though i had to leave shortly after arriving, i think just that little bit of face time has put me right for a while. its amazing how much stock we put in feeling loved, but im good to go for at least a week. ::le sigh::