trick or treat indeed.

Ahi! Non bastan
le mie pene
ch'altri viene
più ifelice
a farmi ancor?

i hate halloween. i went to a party last night which was supposed to make me happy (considering i actually put on a costume, my hopes for this evening were clearly very high) and instead i saw people that only managed to make me feel awful. so i drank far too much in far to short a time and was positively shellacked. so now, the day after - or rather, the day of but the day after the party - i can't decide wether i feel like hell because of my ever increasing feelings of guilt due to a staunch irish-catholic upbringing or because of imbibing far too much questionable punch due to a staunch irish-catholic upbringing. either way my head hurts and i need to go to church.

but putting those feelings aside (or rather, pushing them down, down, so far down) i can talk about more exciting things. i am going to be guest writing the "gay guru" column in the new daily "The Austin Student." it has got to be the gayest thing i have ever done. ever. but the usual guru convinced me to take over this chore by promising to abuse his apple employee discount and help me get a replacement ipod (make no mistake, im not giving up hope. there is someone somewhere with my stolen ipod and i will find them and set them on fire) as well has leading me into temptation by way of pirated software. So im putting on a pair of hot-pants and writing about all sorts of stereotype-reinforcing subjects because i am a desperate person in desperate need of perpetuating my digital lifestyle. look for me this thursday as i discuss the election and how fabulously gay it all is. fabulous.

and for those of you who've been devotedly following the ridiculousness i call a love life - huge developments. so after this horrible make me feel like crap party, i ventured downtown with my roommate and friend because as much i wanted to go home, we were dressed as a group and it wouldn't have worked without me. and while downtown i managed to sober up some and while talking to my friend B.F. (isn't that cute, what his initials did there? ::gush::) i turned and saw an all too familiar stranger. it was the soulmate! who i grabbed and too excitedly introduced myself to. after some coquettish eyebatting he said he must away but smoothly slipped me his number and i promptly exploded with joy because i am crazy. PLUS he very accurately identified me as the owner of this blog. so clearly he is smart as well as a total fox and i love him all the more for it. but it kind of makes me worry that i can so easily be found out through this very thin veil of anonymity and even more worried that he is reading this and now knows that i am, after all, a total neurotic mess. le sigh.

Oh, L'amour. She's a motherfucker no? (the sequel)

so sorry it has been too long since ive posted. my computer adiosed itself to lubbock for a time and i was without any means of communication. it was horrible. but we've since been reunited - so let the blogging commence!

when i posted Lamour she is a motherfucker, no? (pt. 1) i had no idea how prophetic that would turn out to be.

forget about the crush. i have. i no longer talk to him and whatever was there, has now gone. boo hoo, im all choked up about it. moving on.

since my last post, much has happened. privacy and a keen self-preservation instinct prohibits me from blogging about it here in what has become such a public forum. however, let me just say that things were done that cannot be undone. feelings were hurt and friendships lost and all i can say is now is the time for mending what can be and building anew. i think my feelings can best be expressed in a song from the movie "latter days" (no judgements!) :

"tuesday. 3am.
Once again, I'm wide awake.
Waiting for time to mend this part of me,
that keeps on breaking.
newspapers i threw away. washed the dishes in the sink.
3am on tuesday - i have too much time to think.
and i could call up to heaven
or i could crawl down through hell.
nothing can change the way things are and nothing ever will."

S.S. and M.C. i have nothing but apologies and hope for the both of you. (considerably more for S.S.)

well then, that being said - i was awash in self pity until i checked my blog yesterday and found a new comment! from none other than the soulmate i mentioned in L'amour is a motherfucer pt. 1! i had resigned myself to a life of spinsterdom and now i feel i must reconsider. HOWEVER. now that i know he has seen said blog - can i continue to blog about him freely?! (by the by, ive never actually met said soulmate. just read his blog which is amusing, to say the very least.) ill think on it some more and decide whether or not i can be completely honest (as per my original reasoning for keeping this site anonymous and while im doing that, everyone should view this and be moved.

Oh L'amour. She's a motherfucker, no?

somebody stole my ipod. the universe hates me and i will laugh uncontrollably when the thief in question is committed for all of eternity into the hottest corners of hell reserved for people who steal things that really mean a lot to other people. ha ha ha. that's me laughing.

oh today started off so well too! i held off blogging for a while so that i would actually have something interesting to write about, but i think i waited too long so now there are a million things to write about and considering the day i have, i don't know if im up to the task. so we're making it a two parter.

so. i went home for the weekend to visit with my parents (read, beg them to rescue me from what is becoming an increasingly desperate financial situation. note: i am not destitute or anything and am managing to pay my bills just fine. what i am not managing to do however is save money which makes an interstate move to a city with much more expensive real estate all but impossible.) while this was certainly the primary reason for going, i was eager to get away from this town and all the problems herein. so the weekend just flew by. my parents, while sympathetic to my cause were not moved to open their wallets by any of my pleading, hair pulling, or a very dramatic and needless to say colorful interpretive dance. they did however feed me and my mom hijacked my pile of dirty laundry and before i could protest (i was asleep) she washed and folded all of it. i love her.

but the real story is not in my hometown. it is here. where, after returning from my weekend of leisure, i have had the most extraordinary couple of days. first things first. i was chatting with the crush and because all the feelings and blah blah blah are gone, i have become the most amazing conversationalist. i was charming but casual and funny without being desperate. so much so that he now thinks he completely misjudged me and wants to start dating me. which would usually be the best news ever, except the entire time he was telling me this i was thinking "too bad, so sad. ive found my soulmate and we are to be wed."

more on this next time.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

i think im having a crisis of self.

i decided that i wasn't going to let whatever ridiculousness that has been my love life bother me and it was time to do some heavy drinking. so i went out - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK no less!! - with my little brother to the gay bars. Before i continue with this story, a little aside: i hate going to gay bars. they are intimidating and smokey and loud. so i can never talk to the people that i came with and a complex series of nuerosis prevents me from actually talking to anybody cute. that being said i allowed myself to believe that this time was going to be different and i got all dressed up to go out. and then i go to the bar, and it was different.

everyone was nice. and they were excited to see me. and i didn't even care that i saw my horrible crush talking to someone else. i thought to myself "well that's a shame, he's definitely trading down." usually i would have just found a corner and curled up into the fetal position, but i was having too much fun flirting with other people.

after a very fulfilling night of drinks and flirtation, i came home and my crush imed me. he's very fond of talking about nonsense and so after a few minutes of that i (do not ask me where i summoned the courage to say this, would that i knew) asked, "so are we going to make out again or what?" and when he replied that he didn't want anything more than that, i wasn't hurt. i was relieved. i could never love him. but now, the pressure and all the emotions i usually attach to these sorts of infatuations arecompletely gone. so, while it is impossible to envision him fitting nicely into my emotional life, i can still use him.

i am utterly baffled by my behavior and emotional state because i have never been one to enter into such arrangements lightly. and usually scoff at those who do. i am becoming such a harlot.

nightcaps are always the best

so, i realize it has been but a few hours since my first post, but something just happened and i feel the need to publish it.

my aforementioned crush imed me and we started chatting about nothing really. and he moved the conversation into a wholly inappropriate subject matter. not that i minded, it was amusing, but make no mistake - inappropriate. so after discussing what common decency prevents me from repeating here, i make it known that i am not going to subjugate myself unless i really trust and like the person i am with, in which case i can be very accomodating. and he replied "whatever. im changing the subject. goodnight prude." and promptly signed off.

the only response i could muster was laughter. throughout the entirety of our ridiculous courtship i have been made to feel cynical, naive, and all but completely childish by this man who should have absolutely no complaint other than the fact that it might take me a day or two longer than a five dollar hooker to acquiese to his warped fantasy. i am a fool for loving him and must seek help immediately for what is clearly my fetish for men with underdeveloped personalities.

but on the bright side, this blog is already therapuetic. apologies to K.R. for ever having doubted you or your suggestion. "prosaic" is definitely not an appropriate adjective for this sort of activity.

punched in the gut

more than anything i hate when people are careless with my feelings.
two days ago i was encouraged by my crush to tell him how i feel and he promptly punched me in the stomach.
my favorite part was when he said "i don't think you've put forth much of an effort. so i would be lying if i said that i wanted to date you. i hope you aren't suicidal"

for this i will always hate him.

so im starting this blog at the suggestion of my friend K.R. because i don't eat my feelings, am to busy to exercise and can't actually slap someone in the mouth. but its my new number one goal.