i think im having a crisis of self.

i decided that i wasn't going to let whatever ridiculousness that has been my love life bother me and it was time to do some heavy drinking. so i went out - IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK no less!! - with my little brother to the gay bars. Before i continue with this story, a little aside: i hate going to gay bars. they are intimidating and smokey and loud. so i can never talk to the people that i came with and a complex series of nuerosis prevents me from actually talking to anybody cute. that being said i allowed myself to believe that this time was going to be different and i got all dressed up to go out. and then i go to the bar, and it was different.

everyone was nice. and they were excited to see me. and i didn't even care that i saw my horrible crush talking to someone else. i thought to myself "well that's a shame, he's definitely trading down." usually i would have just found a corner and curled up into the fetal position, but i was having too much fun flirting with other people.

after a very fulfilling night of drinks and flirtation, i came home and my crush imed me. he's very fond of talking about nonsense and so after a few minutes of that i (do not ask me where i summoned the courage to say this, would that i knew) asked, "so are we going to make out again or what?" and when he replied that he didn't want anything more than that, i wasn't hurt. i was relieved. i could never love him. but now, the pressure and all the emotions i usually attach to these sorts of infatuations arecompletely gone. so, while it is impossible to envision him fitting nicely into my emotional life, i can still use him.

i am utterly baffled by my behavior and emotional state because i have never been one to enter into such arrangements lightly. and usually scoff at those who do. i am becoming such a harlot.