how fucking romantic

so mr. adorable finally contacted me again.

he apologized for being MIA and told me its because he's becoming an alcoholic and that he's not completely comfortable with being gay and meeting me really scared him because he likes me but isn't ready so all he wants is a friendship.

and i said, "well that's all your getting outta me, rummy. you can't not call for two weeks and expect me to still want you." so clearly, im crazy and a liar.

so i decided that i shouldn't be looking for a man anyway. the new city is scary enough without having to subject strangers to my new crazy personality. so i let my good friend J.E. take me out and we decided together that what i really need most are friends. so naturally when my friend E.S. said her ridiculously taller than me friend told her i was cute and she watned to set us up i said, "is he free this weekend?"

i went on the date today.
and he is the sweetest thing.
but he's not perfect.

i am going to die alone.

in other news - dr. faustus' book reading was really great, not counting the entire first half i spent fidgeting and trying to conceal the fact that i was sweating profusely and completely out of breath from the 20 block sprint i took to get there because i was late. and he liked my clothes. of course i was too paralyzed with fear to say anything other than "THANKS!" and then quickly run away. im crazy, so i compensate with a blazer.

and ive decided to join a gym. once my hands heal from last week's piggy-back mishap. but the question is, what gym should i join? the really fancy one with all of the cute guys and classes that i will most likely NEVER go to? or the inexpensive one with no cute boys or classes that i will probably NEVER go to?

i hate karma.

this morning on my way to work, i saw the saddest thing i have ever seen. ever.

it was an old sikh man with full beard and turban. he was standing oustide of the subway station clearly confused. and i can't say that i blame him for it. one day he must have woken up and realized that he is a shaking shadow of his former self and goddammit he was going to do something about it! so he went to the store and picked up a box of just for men in deep mahogany to match his raven-like eyebrows. but something went horribly wrong in the process and the full beard that he must, for religion's sake, keep long is now orange.

i can not begin to describe how much this one event in my life effected me.

mostly because i judged him mercilessly for it for about 5 seconds.
and then i realized that i had toilet paper stuck to my shoe. and had walked with it for about 5 blocks.

will the first person who reads this PLEASE email me so that i may direct you to my home where you should quickly suffocate me with a pillow because i am far to embarassed to ever show my face again.

and what's more, i can't figure out if the toilet paper that i carried with me on my shoe came from MY bathroom or if i just picked it up on the street. i feel dirty.

pick me up, ive landed.

the texas kids came into town yesterday to show off their shiny new portfolios in the big city, and my favorite professor who "chaperones" these sorts of things called and invited me to go out with all of 'em to a one club gallery opening of new talent and then dinner (which i thankfully forgoed in favor of 10¢ wings and the best beer ever. and in doing so i learned what the best part of getting a job really is. the best part of being recently employed is that to everyone else still looking, you are living the impossible dream and therefore a rock star. or maybe just a recognizeable television star. local tv anchorman. at least.

so i met up with some soon to be graduated kids (i use the term loosely as they are all oder than me and carrying newly printed master's degrees.) and had some beers and gave them some sage advice that only a wisened old man of 22 could give. but they were buying me beer, so i thought best to humor them.

a couple pints later (and on a school night! for shame.) we went to go meet up with some other bright young things and program alums at another bar. en route, i thought it would be hilarious to give somebody "the fastest piggy back ride of your life!" and for about 20 seconds, it probably was.

but then i ate it. hard. and bloodied up my hands and knees something awful - so much so that i bought a huge bottle of hydrogen peroxide at the drugstore today and am currently bathing myself in it every hour on the hour.

but in better news, despite my insistence of plunging myself further and further into a nuerosis filled crazy, almost everyone i work with is trying to set me up with someone they know. now.. im wary of any fix-ups..but i think they all felt really bad for me about mr. adorable and how excited i was and subsequently how crushed i was at getting blown off. (no seriously, what's up with that? ::sigh::) today my office wife RS said to me "you need to get back out there. because if you don't you are going to have no mans. and my friend, you are knock knock knocking on sad gal door. and nobody likes a sad gal." (she borrowed it yes, but it was completely appropriate.) and i have a date this weekend. and my hands are going to be in bandages. hrmm.

Music is more efficient.

So, i realized far too late that instead of my ridiculously long RANT, i could have just sent everyone here.

portrait of the blogger as a crazy person

hey gang! well, welcome back to my favorite mistakes. i realize its been months since ive last updated.. but considering i moved to a new city/state/job adn whathaveyou, i thought i would try not being a nuerotic mess.

e for effort on that one!

nope kiddos, the reason ive returned (and not so triumphantly as it were) is that the same psuedo-therapuetic reasons for opening this little window into my increasingly ridiculous psyche have reared there ugly heads and culligan is forced to seek a more cost-effective psychiatric outlet. so, without further adeiu, my new life as a crazy person:

since ive moved to new york, i thought i would take a more proactive approach to dating. (more proactive than my previous method of standing around and thinking passive aggressive things about anyone and everyone who i found attractive but who wasn't at that very moment beating a path to my side.) so i decided, why not make my new coworkers work for me instead of with me and immediately began accepting their invitations to be set up.

has anyone out there ever induldged one of their friends in a sight unseen fix-up? well, let me tell you - most people, mostly *hetero people ::clears throat::, seem to think that i would be just perfect for their best friend. i can almost see their inner monologues working it out in front of me "he's gay. and, whaddayaknow, you're gay.. HEY! you guys should DATE!" because in the heavily-medicated alternate universe that is manhattan, this passes for logic and reasoning. but after an intense screening process, i took my cutey-patootie coworker's pal who we shall henceforth refer to as "Mr. D" into consideration. i even went so far as to agree to meet him in a non-threatening group environment. (baby steps folks, baby steps.)

so i meet Mr. D and he ends up being quite a guy. charming, and handsome, if not just a little insey bit queenier than i usually like 'em. but all in all, a pretty damn good guy. so we chat and dance a little and agree to meet up for a proper date later in the week. (bare with me people, i have a point, i promise!) so we go out on a date - and keep in mind i have warned this guy that since ive just moved to the city, i have NO MONEY. and we're talking nada. because bitches got bills to pay, okray?) - but we end up going to a very expensive (and im talking the $$$$ symbol expensive.) for a date. his choice. so while it was a pleasant date and i managed to hide the fact that i was mentally adding up all the things in my life i would have to forgoe to pay for this meal and we both had a very nice time. and maybe im a little picky, but a very nice time does not fireworks make. so that coupled with the fact that my new job has kept me pretty much out of touch with the world outside my office, i didn't make a huge effort to call Mr. D back for a second date.

so fast forward 3 weeks. i am overworked, undersexed, and generally feeling very homesick/lonely. so i, in a moment of extreme weakness, take my friend M.B's advice and join an online dating site. (desperation aint pretty folks - and it pretty much lives online.) so i end up getting a few messages - some hello's a couple of your cute's and even a "how big is your dick" but despite being presented with all of THAT, i was skeptical. and after a few very painful nights of spending my time adrift in a veritable sea of self-pity, i hit pay-dirt.

two men, both alike in diginity, seemed interested in me. one, an adorable guy i met through friendster and the other, a very hot soccer player i met through my online dating site. so this past weekend, i had a date with mr. adorable on friday and hottie soccer player on saturday. the "date" with mr. adorable wasn't really though, more like a meet and greet plus one roommate (his, not mine. in my apt, much like in love, i find myself alone). considering though that he had kept me up the thre previous nights in a row till all hours chatting and coquettishly flirting, i will continue to call it a date. so the night flys by, and 3 beers and what feels like no time at all we decide to head home. i am of course unbelievably smitten becaue, well, he is mr. adorable. so smitten in fact that i rush home and immediately log online so that we can continue the evening. he however, has not made this his plan and i chalk it up to him not wanting to let me know how much he wants me. touche mr. adorable, touche.

so the next night, before i leave for my date with hottie soccer player, i send him a little e-note telling him that i had a lot of fun and that we should do it again, as is my way. keeping in mind that i am so smitten that date numero two is really not the normal nerve-racking event that anything even remotely resembling a date is for me, i am sure ill have a pleasant time. because friends, i am an amazing date - even if i am crazy, i make up for it in surprisingly engaging conversation.
so night goes fine, we meet (not as hottie as his online pictures.. but its fine, im nutzo for mr. adorable anyhow.) and we have a good night. couple of beers, some late night pizza, and home we go. seperately of course, i don't invite strange men back to my apartment. im just not that kind of girl.

so i come home to find a response to my e-note: one that is not only positive, but reciprical and i vow to marry mr. adorable and have his chinese babies. (and by have, i mean, adopt. and by chinese, i mean, whatever nationality we can get our hands on.)

except. its been almost 24 hours, and i still haven't heard anything from him. and because i am CRAZY i am starting to have a complete and utter nervous breakdown about it. because i am certain that while a normal person would just go about their day and make a note to chat later, this lunatic formerly known as culligan has the following three thoughts:

1) mr. adorable no longer likes me. i did something or said something that turned him off on our date and he is playing it cool until i get the hint.

2) mr. adorable doesn't hate me, but doesn't find me attractive and wants to just be friends but doesn't know how to let me down easy so he's avoiding me online.

3) mr. adorable no longer likes me and finds me unattractive. in which case i will be forced to open up a vein.

and while i just KNOW that this is karma coming back to kick me in the crotch for not calling Mr. D back, i can't help but feel bad for myself. why you ask? because i am CRAZY. and only a Crazy McLunatic would have these sorts of feelings after not chatting for one weekend. especially because i know that mr. adorable works like mad on the weekends and probably is just too busy/tired to have a conversation.

or maybe he's just not into me.

ARGHGHHGH! whydoidothistomyself?! this is why crazy people aren't allowed to date.