that's all this town has. two wrong feet in fucking ugly shoes.

sup, dudes. this is the culligan man here to tell you "mothers, lock up your SONS!"

no joke, this is how people actually speak here. i often wondered why my parent's chose to settle here in the saddest little town in texas; my dad always said it was because when they left new york, he strapped a snow shovel to the front of his car and drove south until somebody finally asked "what's that?" and he said, "we're staying!" all kidding aside though, i think that maybe they're in the witness protection program and were just put here. or if the story he tells is true, the person who asked "what's that" was (not so different from the typical harlingen resident) "special".

so to make my time here bareable ive taken on a few new hobbies - renting movies/going to movies/never leaving the theater. we have the crappiest little theater here too, 16 screens of nothing special. but i figure being out there really emersed in the culture of cinema will help me to cope. i guess. oh! and i also joined a gym.

i mean, woah. that's not like me at all. i don't really like going to the gym because i find it boring and i have a motivational problem. plus all the guys i know who went to the gym used to call me fag. it was hurtful and unbelievably prophetic so i usually tended to steer clear of these types of boring unmotivating establishments full of pumped up ms. cleos. but there really isn't anything to do here except to wait to see if my job prospects start shining down upon me. i started a blog about it, and you can read all about it at http://gymbunny.blogspot.com (cause im too lazy to post the link.) if im going to have the ultimate in real life meets situation comedy, i might as well share it with all of you. but also because i think that the gym is really really boring, im not going to talk about it at all. especially if i start to get really into it and lose all semblence of a personality outside of my favorite mistakes.

i promise you my lovelies, that i will always stay the same in here. peace out homeskillet! (the quaint coloquialism i heard shouted outside of the theater today. i think it means "goodbye" or "i left the stove on". who can really tell with these people)

Bravo is twice as queer but half as good.

has anyone witnessed the sad tragedy that is Queer Eye for the Straight Girl? not that the concept is too contrived (cough, couigh.) but what is with the rag tag team of queers they have helping these poor women out? none of them are even remotely interesting. REMOTELY. i mean, even Ted the food guy from original Queer Eye is slightly amusing to the point of endearing.

the cast of this mutation is vapid. and unnattractive. and there's a lesbian. there is only one charming fellow and its only because he has a smooth british accent that reminds me of my friend H.V. and he's by the way, the only one attractive enough to make watching the show bearable.

while im not the hugest fan of the Queer Eye show anyhow - i think that when the guys really start hamming it up for the camera, it can get a little degrading and smacks of modern day blackface - but when i saw this new show last night, all i could think was "accursed bravo, wretch, what hast though done?"

ready to run

i promised myself i wasn't going to start this year off on the wrong foot. but unfortunately i live in harlingen, tx now. and that's all this towns got. two wrong feet in fucking ugly shoes.

i have decided that if im going to be away from all things interesting, then i might as well bring home some serious cash money. and in harlingen, there's just one industry that a fresh outta college guy like me can do that in. substitute teaching. can i get a HELL YEAH! no? maybe a SOUNDS MILDLY INTERESTING!? anybody? um.. anyone?
well that was of course before i went in for my mandatory sexual harassment (prounounced repeatedly by the decidedly non british instructor as "heressment") and found out that if i child really wants to fuck me over, all they gotta do is tell them i did just that to them. and basically im going to jail. there is very little legal recourse for me unless i have like, upteen billion witnesses that say no, that child is a rat bastard. and a liar. oy.

but putting my discouragement aside, i went and had a meeting with the hr manager of the local banana republic (which, after careful examination of how that dog and pony show is run is an ironically appropriate name.) where i was asked to fill out an application and maybe they might be able to hire me. maybe. if they have the time. i mean, yikes. its the banana republic. that's gay church. and i was almost all but denied.

but wait!! it gets soo much better. i decided that i would call the cellist - who by the way did not call me after i left austin for like, four days - and he said that he was watching the new season of queer as folk with his friend kyle who we here at my favorite mistakes refer to (and have done so long before we knew the cellist) as "the whore-a" because my friends, that is precisely what he is. and oh yeah, he's the cellist's ex-boyfriend.

i mean. wow. this day is completely crappy. and i am actually pretty stuck here for a while. and i need a drink. a big one.